There is a conspiracy in my house

There is an evil conspiracy to not allow me to sleep. The husband, kitties, and pup are all in on it. One of them is always snoring, poking me in the ribs, jumping on me, fighting, screaming bloody murder, throwing large heavy objects against metal ones, scratching the floor, whining, knocking shit over, babbling nonsense, or just generally causing mayhem. Of course they only start thing when I look like I'm headed up to bed. I turn off the lights and start walking up the stairs and either the dog won't come, the kitties break something, or the husband wants to be fed. Once I finally do make it up to bed, they do everything in their power to keep me from actually sleeping (see above list). Again, life isn't fair...